You Just Love Too Much

by Emily Randall | Sep 6, 2016 

Name: Emily

Age: 22

Part of my testimony:

I’ve always lusted over men and the idea of relationships. Constantly seeking attention from the opposite sex, jumping from one relationship to the next. Making man my idol, my God in a sense and desiring things from him that could NEVER be fully fulfilled. I was never satisfied and always expected more. This lead to a boat load of other insecurities. Lack of self worth within myself and the way I looked began to fuel my desire to seek affirmation from others. I began to dress “sexier” hoping to get that attention I so drastically craved. I became obsessed with over exercising and eating as little as possible, always searching for the next step. Snapchat and Instagram became a place where I could bare my body freely without any harsh consequences. My new found “confidence” within myself was luring the kind of attention I desired but I never fully felt fulfilled.  The kind of men I was meeting or attracting from this type of behavior was no where near someone I had pictured myself with for eternity, but it was an easy fix to a core issue. I knew deep down this was not the women God designed me to be. I was special, I was rare and I loved people A LOT. God created me with a full heart to love and be loved and instead of pouring that out to Him, I poured all my hopes, dreams, aspirations, expectations, passions and desires into whoever I was dating at the time.
This lead to a constant stream of rejection and being used. I would date a guy for a few months and then they would call it off. Always saying the same thing, “Sorry, you’re a great girl, you have a really good heart you just love too much, I don’t think I could meet your expectations.” God was trying to tell me something in the midst of all this suffering and luckily he knew my heart and couldn’t stand to see me get hurt. Using my last relationship to open my eyes, God was able to reveal to me that my heart (the one that loved “too” much) the one HE created and man was destroying was pouring out in the wrong places. I began to lose myself in this relationship, and the idea of us. Instead of focusing on my life in Christ I was focused on him and just like all the rest, the words came flowing: “Sorry, you’re a great girl, you have a really good heart you just love too much, I don’t think I could meet your expectations.” At this point I gave up, I felt like I had lost. In my head I truly believed he was the one, the best guy I could possibly get. Boy was I wrong and did God have bigger things in store for my life. I began searching, seeking for answers and everything lead to Christ. I realized instead of loving Jesus first and fully I put my hope in future in the hands of a human; into something so temporary while Jesus is eternal. From then on Jesus began transforming my mind and heart, molding it into his; allowing it to rest fully on his grace. My view of my self worth drastically changed as I began to comprehend that the creator of the universe designed ME in HIS perfect image and no person could come between that. He has a plan bigger than we all can imagine, and although my understanding is so small and can only comprehend what is right in front of me, his is so vast. He will give us exactly what our hearts desires if we trust FULLY in his will. We all have our own issues & idols (money, self, status, work) etc. but turning our eyes away from those and allowing God to have complete control of my life is the most satisfying and hardest thing to endure.